5 Mistakes You’re Making
How do I get him to commit to me?
How can I get my boyfriend to commit? That is the most asked question I’ve heard throughout my career, hundreds of women coming to me and saying, “I’m beautiful, I’m smart, I’m interesting, why isn’t he sticking around?” Or “Why does he keep me at arm’s length?”
The truth is, there’s no one size fits all answer to this, however, there are some common mistakes that I see women making over and over again. Of course, it doesn’t help that in today’s world of technology, relationships have become less of something to build, nurture and enjoy, and more of an online game. Quick releases of dopamine that is damaging the culture of deeper connections.
So how do we as women battle this?
As nature’s nurturers, we are hardwired to be looking for a long-lasting, emotion-filled and passionate relationship, which means we have to fight an uphill battle getting the historically non-committal male to choose to be monogamous. It’s not an easy job, but it’s clearly possible, and here are some things to avoid that will easily boost your chances of success.
Mistake 1: Do I Look Cute In This Dress?
No one likes someone who’s overly clingy, especially not men, and unfortunately, a lot of that behaviour is founded on fear or insecurity of self or being abandoned. A confident woman won’t mind if her man is going for a couple of drinks, because she trusts him and understands her own self-worth. She feels confident in her value. This interests a man because he knows he can seek his own pleasures, friendships and the holy grail, personal space! Plus, self-confidence is very sexy and creates a sense of freedom for him. If you are too insecure to let your man do his own thing when he needs to and step away from you, you may want to consider doing a little self-love before you look for outside validation. A guy can’t be your lover, your friend and your therapist, and it’s so important for you to value yourself and be able to put yourself first.
Number 2: Tell Me More!
Now, ladies, I’m sure you all inwardly groaned at this, because really, not many of us want to sit down and watch a three-hour footy game or hear his rant on the failures of our political system, just to make him happy. But that acceptance and interest in the other person’s life, likes and hobbies make a relationship. You don’t have to do anything massive, little things like playing a game with him or letting him talk about his interests, or even buying him something like a piece of sporting equipment (make sure you know what he wants) will make him feel appreciated for more than his body and what he does to you. Relationships are mutual, and if he feels your respect and interest in him, he’ll be much more invested in returning it.
Number 3: From Little Things, Big Things Grow
Now, who doesn’t love a glammed update, right? However, similar to my last point, we’ve got to understand that our partners are people too, and that life can’t be full of big gestures and earth-shatteringly romantic moments. Sometimes, the best memories are little things, making dinner together or watching your favourite movie with him under the blanket. When he doesn’t feel pressured to out-perform himself every time, he’ll feel less overwhelmed and the relationship will feel more natural.
Number 4: Clock’s Ticking
Now, if you’re a year into your relationship and he still hasn’t told his mum about you, it’s a little different, but the one thing I tell all the women who come to me asking why he won’t commit is, “well, have you given it some time?” Men don’t like feeling they’ve been forced into an option, and if they’re feeling the constant pressure to take things further without giving them time to warm up to you and the relationship, you may just end up scaring them off. Men want to feel inspired by their partner, and if you take it slow, show him that you’re interested but not overwhelming, he’s much more likely to realise that you are the one for him!
In saying this, it may end up being his enthusiasm you need to curb. In a romantic moment, he may let himself go and begin to rush himself but later feel like he’s painted himself into a corner and run for the hills as if it was your doing. I’ve seen this happen more than a few times. Don’t get carried away by his enthusiasm. Pace out the stages of your growing bond and take your time even if he’s a little over-enthusiastic at times. For example, if you have a family event a month after you’ve started dating and he asks to come, tell him he’s adorable for suggesting it and promise him that your mother will adore him when they meet but let’s not rush things and enjoy each stage in its yumminess.
Number 5: Closed Communication
Tell me if you’ve heard this one before:
You come home from a long day and there are dishes in the sink. And look, there’s your man sitting on the couch, not even lifting a finger.
Let me let you in on a little secret here. He really isn’t trying to piss you off, he just doesn’t know what to do. Us women are like little mind readers, we know what other women want and what needs to be done to make people happy. Nature did not grant men with this power (I’m speaking broadly here of course- some men are incredibly intuitive). It is this reason that so many men end up fleeing relationships early, because they get in trouble for things they didn’t even know they were doing wrong. Open fluid communication is so, so important in both fresh relationships and ones you’ve been in for years. If he knows what you need and what you’re looking for, the pesky little arguments that turn into nagging that turn into “I think we need to see other people” can be solved at the root, relieving you of the stress and he doesn’t get you wagging your finger at him.
Ladies, we really have the odds stacked against us. From wanting nature’s natural “seed spreaders” to being in a technological age where relationships can be made and broken in a text, finding a man that will settle can feel like a massive undertaking. But, by avoiding these simple mistakes you can not only raise your chances, generate more gratitude in both of you about the love that you are sharing.